The Way of Progressive Parenting
I’ve been mulling this piece over in my mind for months, but couldn’t quite get to the root of what was troubling me. It’s not that I’m so closed-minded to new ideas that I can’t accept anything beyond what I’ve always known. To the contrary, it has been through this openness that God has rid me of many selfish behaviors and reformed my mind to his truth. It is also through his provision that I finally gained clarity into what has been disturbing me in the newer philosophies on parenting, which are probably not so much newer, just more pervasive.
We live in a culture where many believe the old way of doing things is always wrong, and then invest themselves wholeheartedly into countering traditional views and promoting new ideas as better and more progressive. These theories make their way into almost every aspect of society. Truly, there is no facet of social importance that is exempt, and especially when it comes to rearing our future generations. Over the past several decades the progressive ideas related to parenting have taken a firm hold. When we look around and see a family life we don’t recognize and far too many parents wandering aimlessly through the responsibility of parenting, this is very much the result of what I’m talking about.
It’s not that all new ideas are bad. Truly great advancements have been made throughout the ages by thinking outside the box. The problem lies in how some of these ideas are aimed directly at taking down the more traditional values of our culture and more importantly how they so often stand in direct opposition to God and his word. On the surface, many of these “newer” parenting theories sound smart.
Consider spanking, a practice that was essentially relegated to legal child abuse decades ago, with progressive voices claiming that “hitting” a child teaches violence, yet in the decades following this ever-growing philosophy, spanking has significantly decreased, to the point only a minority of parents still spank their children, yet violence has substantially increased in young people. More surprising still is that studies over the decades now indicate that the perceived damage from light spanking has been exaggerated and is more likely to occur with more frequent and severe spanking. I must also add that sadly this reduction in spanking has not reduced the incidence of child abuse. I’m not suggesting that we all start warming up our paddles after reading this, but merely implying things are not always exactly what they seem when “progressive” theories are pushed into society as fact without any real foundational research. If managed properly, along with consistent parenting, an occasional, light spanking can be an appropriate discipline for young children not yet mature enough to reason.
The above poem is another example of parenting ideals lost in theory. The sentiment is lovely. Truly, who doesn’t want to enjoy those leisure days with our children, without all the work and responsibility getting in our way? Unfortunately what the writer stirs in our hearts, causes us to overlook the true realities of parenting. During those early years of childhood, especially for those with more than one child, many of our days are filled from beginning to end with the necessary tasks of running a home and providing for the physical needs of the children. For most parents it’s not as much about striving for a perfectly tidy house, as it is about having a house that functions with enough order to maintain our sanity and accomplish what needs to be done. God did not give us children because he felt we needed playmates. In giving us children, he has called us to the task of growing up the next generation. This is serious work and labor intensive. I personally would love to do more star gazing and hiking, but that is a season yet to come, so for now I must be content where God has placed me, in the trenches, striving to do the best I can to build an upstanding and excellent character into these tiny humans placed in my care.
According to the poem and “progressive” standards, our children should never hear us articulate a negative word to them, even in our phrasing we should speak positively and encouragingly, helping them to understand our expectations without harsh tones or yelling. As we already discussed, spanking is viewed as archaic and brutal, and now time-outs are too isolating and potentially traumatizing. As a general rule we are to guide and discipline our children, and never punish them or cause them to feel discomfort or guilt over something they have done wrong. We should always listen with patience and understanding when they speak, and every good deed should be rewarded as though we’re training a puppy. I’m not saying all of this is entirely bad or that it’s okay to physically or verbally abuse our children, but too much of it sounds like text book theory that is difficult to incorporate into most real world settings.
It is imperative, for their safety and well being, that our children respect us enough to be able to respond to a command without always receiving an explanation or having opportunity to debate. There are situations where this is dangerous, possibly even life-threatening, and I believe many parents are in that situation, where they don’t have enough control over their young children to ensure their safety. It’s not a power thing, it’s parenting children who are too immature to see the dangers we see or the pitfalls we hope they might avoid. It’s not about breaking their spirit, but taming their spirit.
Our children need to recognize the value of obedience if we expect them to ever consider living in obedience to God. They need to know the word of their parents is to be respected if we want them to honor their mother and father, and their teachers or other authority. God does not bless us with children because we look bored and need something to do, nor does it do anything for our children to present ourselves as perpetual playmates. Our children will learn how to behave as adults by us modelling character qualities we want to see in them. They need to see us behaving like adults.
As families we all enjoy those moments of laughter, the warm early morning snuggles, trips to the zoo and who doesn’t love a beach vacation, but much of the relationship with our children is built around the daily labors of our love. Our care comes across in our dedication and dependability, despite the endless needs and lack of sleep. It shines through in our willingness to sacrifice of our time and energy, to earn enough to provide for them. Parents are not called to be entertainers, they are called to be teachers. When I look around, I don’t see the world benefitting from this “progressive” parenting model. I see a suffering world in need of the comfort of God’s order and design. Sure we may be able to incorporate some of the new theory into our traditional parenting methods, though we should carefully ponder what we are doing and compare it to what God expects from us as parents, and how we can best help our children to become the beautiful people God created them to be. We will have times to star gaze and giggle with them, but the work we are called to must come first.
In the book of Hebrews, God presents some of his ideas on parenting for us, which he says will produce a harvest of righteousness and peace. It shows he loves us, and therefore we can expect that his model of parenting will help our children to see we love them as well.
Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as his children. For what children are not disciplined by their father? If you are not disciplined—and everyone undergoes discipline—then you are not legitimate, not true sons and daughters at all. Moreover, we have all had human fathers who disciplined us and we respected them for it. How much more should we submit to the Father of spirits and live! They disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, in order that we may share in his holiness. No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it. Hebrews 12:7-11 NIV