In Pursuit of Love…

Before submitting to God’s plan, I lived with one foot in the world and one in the kingdom. I was literally straddling two opposing forces, deceived enough to believe I was capable of conquering a beast that had hounded me for decades. Dating had become a game, a hunt, and after each failed relationship I would study and restrategize my next move. I desperately wanted the relationship the world said was mine, but their methods repeatedly failed me, until I was discouraged and essentially being devoured by my own foolishness. I had invested myself in a chase God hadn’t intended and sold myself to a dream that never came to life. “What’s wrong with me?” I sobbed to God, as I mourned the loss of yet another love. I had finally come to the end of myself, and although I didn’t like it, I knew he had brought me to this place for a reason. After two days I dried my eyes and stepped into obedience. That was nearly five years ago, and it’s only been recently that I’ve begun to feel a shift, a sense that the season is changing and my days as a single woman may be drawing to a close.

To be clear, this doesn’t mean God has released me back to my own ways and my own resources. It’s not an unspoken allowance to return to the lifestyle he drew me from. His expectations for this new season are just as different as anything I’ve experienced in the past five years. He has a plan and now it is time for all that I have learned to be put into use.

I certainly don’t have all the answers, but am confident I have been prepared for whatever lies ahead in this journey. As trials and revelation come, I will share what I learn so that perhaps we might learn together. I may not be able to offer a solution to every problem, but sometimes knowing what we shouldn’t be doing is all the information we need for the moment. The following are just a few cautions to get us started.

Miscalculation #1-Being too loose with our expectations. It doesn’t matter who we are or what part of the globe we’re from, God’s goal for Christian men and women is to be united in marriage, not united in lust, passion or perpetual cohabitation. There is a commitment and union intended that extends beyond pleasure and convenience. The marriage bed is to be undefiled and respected. Therefore if we’re dating, our goal should be marriage and all of our goodies kept to ourselves until that happens. As an adult who has lived far outside of this, I have a heart for those who have struggled like me, and may find themselves lost in trying to date, while remaining celibate. It’s a tough course, especially when we know how immediately gratifying the other path can be. We need to be prepared for the reality that not everyone who says they’re a Christian believes in abstinence before marriage, nor is everyone who is practicing celibacy doing it intentionally. Hashing out these details early on is crucial to our success in honoring God and living in obedience, and could save both parties a lot of frustration and heartache. Living a celibate life to honor God should feel somewhat empowering, despite any feelings of temptation. It should feel right and bring real peace, while circumstantial celibacy has no backing, and when circumstances change so will the desire to remain celibate. Recognize that some may talk the talk, yet may fight hard against walking the walk. If the person is vague or uncertain about whether they want to marry, or their feelings regarding sex outside of marriage sound far too much like something they picked up from a television series, I would be hesitant to believe God would want us to build a relationship with someone who may persistently tempt us to disobedience.

Miscalculation #2-Building connection via text. I get it, most everyone is a texter these days. It’s quick, it’s easy and it doesn’t fully interrupt what we’re doing in the moment. Texting is great for sharing immediately needed information, offering a digital trail for details, giving simple commands to a teenager or saying a quick hello or maybe offering an update in a matter. Unfortunately, the benefits begin to fall off there, although many people will use it as their primary source of communication in every relationship. There are those who will suggest it’s a red flag in dating, and to some degree they are right, but honestly I believe many do it naively, without an understanding of how much communication is lost via texting, versus phone or in person conversations. They don’t consider all that is missing in a digital communication. There’s no voice inflection, no facial expression, no body language and no nonverbal sounds. In the end, that lack of information makes it difficult to comprehend someone’s true feelings in a matter. They may say, “awwww how awful”, when you share a dramatic tidbit from life, yet in reality this potential partner is truly neutral in the matter and more interested in what they’re watching at the moment, than what you’re sharing. I’m not saying everyone does this, but I can confidently suggest it happens more than we may know. There’s also a lot of gray in texting. Things we wouldn’t say in person we may feel more comfortable disclosing via text. It’s the sense of boldness people often feel when they’re airing all of their junk on social media. Just because we share it and they respond, doesn’t mean we’re connected. People will hide behind endless texting, creating a facade of openness and vulnerability, yet maintaining an emotional distance.

Miscalculation #3-Building Sexual Connection Before Friendship. Obviously this can occur in real time situations, but it has become alarmingly common for people who meet in various places online to make sexting a huge part of their efforts at becoming acquainted. After a period of time they may come to their first face to face meeting already sexually entangled to a person they have never met, and once that connection is there, it can be very difficult to objectively consider a person’s values, history, family dysfunction, etc. A relationship built upon this foundation, is like the house Jesus talked about being built on the sand.

²⁴ “Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock. ²⁵ The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock. ²⁶ But everyone who hears these words of mine and does not put them into practice is like a foolish man who built his house on sand. ²⁷ The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell with a great crash.” Matthew 7:24-27 NIV