Cheerfully Single?
It’s been several years since my last relationship ended and I mourned the death of yet another dream. Sure I cared for him, but the truth is I was grieving the loss of more than just a man. Much of my feeling for him was entangled with grand expectations of what I believed we could be. I wanted love, craved acceptance and hoped to be validated through his desire to commit to me, but after two and half years he chose to leave instead. I was devastated, not just because I got dumped, although that definitely had some punch, but rather because I finally saw I was the problem. I’m not implying I wasn’t worthy of the love and commitment I was seeking, or that he didn’t have a hefty load of junk on his back that he was attempting to shake free of, but truthfully, my relationship history had become like a cycle of wash, rinse and repeat. Was I drawn to emotionally challenged, commitment phobic men? Or were they just drawn to me? It was a question I was already pondering and in my grief I suddenly gained the clarity I needed.
I was just two days into my suffering when I realized I couldn’t do it anymore. After two failed marriages and a number of fruitless, dead-end relationships, I was emotionally spent and finally turned to God and said, “I have no idea how to do this. I don’t even know anyone who’s done this, but I’m going to do it your way.” I had no idea where that one courageous step would take me, I just knew I could not keep doing what I was doing, and somehow God would lead me where I needed to be.
Like launching a pool raft into the open sea, I journeyed into loneliness unlike anything I had ever experienced. Most of my adult life had been spent trying to avoid the solitude I needed, as I chased one relationship after another. Suddenly I was facing that beast head on and it was gut-wrenching. The days became weeks and those weeks grew into months and soon the years began to tick away. Initially the transition was agonizing, yet God carried me through it all and in time I began to comprehend I was truly never alone and things began to get easier. He was my strength and my shield when I couldn’t muster the strength on my own. He was my father, my comforter and my friend when there was no one else beside me. He has become my husband, my provider and my protector, not merely because he loves me, but because I love him too, in ways I never believed possible.
I don’t know where you are in life’s journey or where you’ve been, but please know our father in heaven loves us, no matter how many mistakes we’ve made or the magnitude of the fallout around us. He is faithful to carry us when we can not carry ourselves. We may still dream of marriage, but it’s possible marriage may not be in our future, and we may spend the rest of our days surrounded by far too many pets, yet in him we can be cheerfully single in a way that gives joy and purpose to our place in this life, and to those we are called to serve. The choice is ours.
