Alone in the World

Many people believe you shouldn’t feel lonely if you are with others, but I can attest to the fact we can be surrounded by people and still feel very disconnected and alone. One of the darkest seasons of my life was when I was still living at home, surrounded by family, yet inside I was sinking into the depths of something I couldn’t escape. I was alone in a world where I didn’t feel I belonged, going through the motions of living a hopeless existence, and everything I did to break free from the darkness only strengthened its grip. It was during this time I began to consider suicide and hurting the people who had hurt me. I was broken in ways I couldn’t fix. One night in desperation, I cried out to God and pleaded for Him to make me whole again. I had no idea of the gravity of the decision I made that night, nor do I know where I would be today if I hadn’t made that choice, but that very night God reached down and pulled me out of that pit, and began to put all the little pieces back together. I woke the next morning to find the darkness had lifted. My problems hadn’t gone away and it would be decades before I would experience true freedom, but the intensity of that lonely season has never returned.

In more recent years, solitude has been my challenge. Most days I am busy. God has certainly given me much to occupy my mind and my hands, but when the kids go down at night and I take the dogs out, sometimes in that moment I feel the yearning for companionship. It’s not dark or demanding, just thoughts that sting momentarily before I move on to the next task. The COVID restrictions have been a challenging addition to my solitude, and I recently found myself sharing my frustrations with God. In that moment I could see Him leaning closely, His face filled with compassion. I thought He might kiss me, but when He didn’t I asked what He was doing. He replied, “I’m looking for the strength I put in there.” It’s not really what I wanted to hear, but I knew what He meant, and I carried on in the strength He gives, so I might accomplish all that He has set before me. It is more about His purpose, than my comfort, and I need periodic reminders to keep me on task. It does get easier to lean into Him when I feel discouraged and lonely, though everyday is a conscious choice that I make again and again.

I’m posting this today, not just to share my story, but to offer hope and support to others who may be feeling alone in the world. Life is not always easy, and more often than not, it can be just plain hard, especially when the whole world seems to be running amuck. Here are a few tips I’ve learned along the way, the hard way. I hope they help.

1. Feeling down is part of the human experience, but wallowing in that and allowing yourself to become too introspective is not healthy. Focusing more energy into the needs of others can help overcome those feelings, but if the darkness is overwhelming and ready to swallow you up, find help, seek God.
2. They say adversity builds character, but most of us don’t like feeling uncomfortable. We avoid it at all cost, but if we try to embrace our situation, we may discover we are stronger than we imagined and we become a better person having survived these seasons. Focusing your thoughts on God will help bring purpose to these hard times.
3. Often when we are broken inside, we find ourselves in perpetual pursuit of acceptance and reassurance from others. We want to know we are loved and accepted just as we are. If we aren’t aware of what we’re doing, we might carry this with us from relationship to relationship, putting unhealthy pressure on our friends and family to meet needs for us that they really aren’t equipped to meet. Unfortunately it is a void no amount of human reassurance can fill. Only Jesus has the power to heal brokenness and offer the acceptance we crave.
4. Make a conscious choice to take negative thoughts captive. Don’t let your mind dwell there and try to speak positive words against them. When I am reminded of things from my past that make me feel ashamed. I immediately try to thank God I am no longer the person I once was, making the mistakes I made. Much of life is about choices and so often we must make the same choice over and over and over again before it begins to stick.
5. Do not grow weary in doing good things and making good choices. The world says life is about us, but rarely is life about us, and we are most content when we are serving or giving to others. Not that we aren’t to enjoy life, but living with a central focus in gratifying self will leave most feeling empty and without purpose, and will likely intensify feelings of loneliness. That said, I also don’t want to discount the need for those investing themselves in the lives of others to practice good self care. This isn’t just about “doing you”, which is an entirely different mindset, this is about taking time necessary to exercise, eat well and relax apart from your responsibilities on a regular basis. As the saying goes, you can’t pour from an empty cup. This may look different for everyone. For me, I can manage reasonably well with squirrelling away a few minutes most mornings after the kids have gone to school or the sitter. It may be just enough time to eat my breakfast and read my Bible, but it’s done in a quiet house. I call it my sanity time. I also try to escape for a few hours here and there, for shopping, eating out or a little hiking, biking, etc. Last year I even got away for a weekend. I came home happy to see everyone. We all have different needs in this area, but the point is to not dismiss your needs as selfish or impossible. This too can create feelings of frustration and isolation.