Dating with Purpose (part 1)

If you know me, when you see this title you might be thinking, what’s she have to say on dating? She hasn’t been on a date in years. I can hear the statement drawn out in Fran Drescher’s, New York accent, which makes it sound far more tragic than it should. In defense of my delicate ego, it’s only been a few years, not decades. Though none of that means anything to God. When he gives us truth to apply in this life, we can depend on its value, whether we’re cashing in on it today, ten years from today, or just sharing it along the way. The fact that I’m not presently dating is a choice primarily based upon the tough lessons God has taught me over the past few years and not necessarily the result of my tiny housemates zapping all of my mojo, although it may feel as though that applies at times.

Regardless of the reason, until this season passes, God wants me to find contentment and joy as a single mother, which isn’t always pleasant, but I have come to trust in God’s plans a little more than my own and if he wants me single, then there’s a purpose to it, whether I can visualize that purpose or not. In the future that may change and I will want to honor God in the new season he leads me into as well, which may mean knowing how to date with purpose.

If we are in the dating scene, we have a true motive for being there, whether we are aware of it or not. Understanding our motivation is crucial, yet it’s not always clear even in our own mind. We might say we want to get married, but do we ask ourselves why? What do we expect to gain from this? What do we plan to offer another? And are we truly ready for marriage and that level of emotional intimacy? If we have a history of trauma or relationship issues, we may have junk we need to resolve before we allow ourselves to commit something that may be completely undermined by the brokenness of our past. Even someone who believes they are dating merely for sexual companionship may not be fully aware of why they are keeping others at a distance. Their inability to commit is often directly related to unresolved baggage they carry, yet it’s easier to flow with the culture than it is to allow ourselves to be vulnerable when we have deep-seeded trust issues.

So tip number one in dating with purpose is to pray through a true evaluation of self before starting. Be still enough to allow God to actually speak into the situation to offer his perspective and guidance, and his healing. Some time ago one of my bosses set me up with a friend of his. I knew God did not want me dating yet, but to appease my boss I prayed and asked God to allow me to honor my boss by going out with his friend. I went and had a nice time and enjoyed a good dinner, but God was faithful in showing me the shortcomings of what might have been if I was still dating on my own terms. If we seek God he will speak, but so often when it comes to dating and relationships we don’t want to hear what he has to say, so we don’t ask and then we wonder what’s wrong with us when things don’t work out, yet again.

I personally carried unresolved baggage for years without realizing all that junk was at the root of my relationship problems. It wasn’t so much I didn’t know how to behave in a relationship, but rather the foundation for my relationships was poorly established due to faulty dating practices. We’ll talk more on this in part 2. For now this is a great place to stop and ponder a bit.